Set boundaries without guilt
A practical read on how to set boundaries without the guilt. Lexi Hudson argues that declining graciously is part of civility, and Adam Grant traces people pleasing back to fear of being disliked. There's also the idea that every yes is a no to something else. 8 picks from the Bez Tytułu newsletter, in reading order.
The picks
How to Set Boundaries
Read · thequietlife.net · 30 min · Issue #168
Alexandra "Lexi" Hudson, author of The Soul of Civility, argues that declining graciously is part of civility. Her five tips are to check whether you will resent agreeing later, skip the justification because no is a complete sentence, start by declining most things and add yes back as it brings joy, follow E.B. White's example of declining without shame, and read someone else's no charitably.
A short take on healthy boundaries
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #177
A short TikTok about setting healthy boundaries.
Every yes is a no to something
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #52
Every yes means a no to something else, and saying no to the unessential leaves room for what matters.
The speaker describes realizing that every yes is also a no to something else. A talk in Florida, for example, meant missing an evening at home with the kids, a writing routine and exercise. Citing Marcus Aurelius, the speaker says that saying no to inessential things also means saying yes to what matters.
Key points- The speaker said yes to a Florida talk and lost time with kids, writing and exercise
- Marcus says saying no brings a double benefit
- Saying no to unessential things is saying yes to what really matters
A good apology acknowledges, grows and agrees
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #155
Saying sorry can work as a shame system; acknowledge the mistake, show how you will grow, and make new agreements.
The speaker argues against the habit of saying "I'm sorry," which they say can be a cop-out that makes people feel ashamed without changing anything. Citing Marshall Rosenberg's idea of "jackal speak," they recommend acknowledging the mistake, explaining how they will improve, and agreeing on new arrangements. A sample exchange shows a partner saying they were late, why, and that they will leave earlier next time.
Key points- The speaker credits Marshall Rosenberg with calling sorry a shame system
- Name what happened, why it matters, and how you will accommodate it next time
- Sorry gets worn out as a cop out, but a deliberate, sincere apology is still appreciated
The Truth About People Pleasing
Read · adamgrant.substack.com · 2 min · Issue #241
Adam Grant argues that chronic people pleasing comes from fear of being disliked or rejected, and that saying no is an expression of self-respect. Drawing on his own history as a recovering people pleaser and on research linking it to approval-seeking and insecure attachment, he calls it self-focused rather than selfish, revising an earlier view.
Answer rudeness calmly and ask for respect
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #115
When a prospect is rude, answer calmly with your experience and a clear request for respect, and they will usually soften.
The speaker describes how to answer a rude comment in a first meeting or sales call, such as asking how long someone has been doing the job. Instead of ignoring it, state your experience and results, say you care about mutual respect more than the deal, and ask if that is fair. The speaker says the other person usually backs down and becomes friendlier.
Key points- Answer how long you have been doing this with your years and experience
- Say you do not mind whether they buy, but want mutual respect
- The speaker says the other person backtracks and gets friendlier once you stand up
Adding context to a no prevents worst assumptions
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #129
Adding context to a no stops others from filling the gap with the worst assumption.
The speaker contrasts a bare no with Unfortunately, I can't, which adds a frame. Without context, the speaker argues, people build their own narrative and often assume the worst, protecting themselves in the process. Leaders and partners should share their context and story so others do not fill the gap for them.
Key points- A bare no creates no narrative, so the listener invents one, often the worst
- Saying unfortunately, I can't gives context people understand
- The speaker says leaders risk letting others fill in the context for them
Answer nosy questions by asking why
Short · tiktok.com · 1 min · Issue #241
The creator suggests answering inappropriate questions by asking why it matters, or naming the question as inappropriate.
Jefferson Fisher suggests answering a nosy question, such as why someone does not have kids, by turning it back: asking whether the other person needs to know, which usually reveals that they do not. He adds that the more inappropriate the question, the more room you have to name it as inappropriate.
Key points- Ask whether the information is something they really need to know
- The more inappropriate the question, the easier it is to call it out
- Turning the question back makes the asker answer something they have not considered