Make friends as an adult
Here's how to make friends as an adult, using ideas from videos and talks that cover it well. Mel Robbins gives three rules, and another speaker breaks friendship into proximity, timing and energy. There's also a text-every-morning habit and tips on talking to strangers. 10 picks from the Bez Tytułu newsletter, in reading order.
The picks
Adult friendship requires you to go first
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #180
Adult friendship is an individual sport, so you have to go first, stay flexible and keep reaching out.
Mel Robbins gives three rules for adult friendship. Friendship becomes an individual sport once school and work stop supplying groups, so you must create it yourself. Friendships are flexible, so make many connections without fixed expectations. Your closest friends are often people you have not met, and you find them by going first, making plans and asking for coffee.
Key points- Friendship was group-based through school, but after your 20s it is up to you
- People come and go, so let go of expectations and keep creating connections
- Your favorite friends may be people you haven't met yet, so keep saying hello
Friendships fade when key pillars go missing
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #218
Adult friendships fade mostly because of missing pillars such as proximity, and drifting away is rarely personal.
The speaker describes three pillars of friendship: proximity, timing and energy. Proximity means being physically near people, and research shows dorm neighbors across the hall are far more likely to become friends than those at the end of the hall. Casual friends need about 70 hours together and close friends about 200. When timing or energy changes, a friendship can fade without anyone being at fault.
Key points- Proximity means who you are physically near, the speaker says
- Living across the hall makes friendship very likely, according to research cited
- The speaker says 99% of the time drifting apart is not personal
Keep friends by meeting strangers
Short · instagram.com · Issue #243
The post argues adult friendships fade through drift, so keeping friends means continually meeting new people, starting with strangers.
The speaker cites a week-long study and says about half of close friends drift away over seven years, while people who stay connected keep making new friends, mostly by talking to strangers. In the study, people predicted a stranger would talk to them 40% of the time, but the actual rate was over 90%. Almost everyone wants to connect, he says, and almost nobody wants to go first.
Key points- Roughly half of close friends cycle out over seven years, through drift
- Predicted success talking to strangers was about 40%, but it was over 90%
- Almost everyone wants to connect, but almost nobody wants to go first
Someone has to build the meeting place
Short · instagram.com · Issue #246
The post argues people wait for the right room to appear, but someone has to build it first, and it is never the waiting person.
The speaker cites Thomas Schelling's focal point problem from the 1960s, in which most students picked Grand Central at noon to meet a stranger without any communication. He argues that friendship needs someone to build the meeting place first, and that waiting for an invitation to a room nobody has built means it never happens. Someone has to go first.
Key points- Schelling's students mostly picked Grand Central at noon, a focal point
- Two or more people cannot coordinate just by waiting for each other
- You try to judge who is authentic before building a place to find out
Talk to Strangers. It Will Change Your Life.
Watch · youtube.com · 12 min · Issue #110
A Sprouht video from June 2022 argues that talking to strangers is a key skill for making friends and countering loneliness. It covers how not to approach strangers, the basic principles of starting a conversation and advice from strangers themselves. The sidewalk examples are filmed in Montreal.
Daily good morning texts build belonging
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #171
Texting one to three friends a good morning every day builds safety and acceptance through reliable expectations.
The speaker says one of the best ways to improve your life is to have one to three friends you text every morning, and who text you back. The value lies in reliability, an expectation that is fulfilled. The speaker links this to safety and acceptance, since predictable interaction signals that someone accepts you.
Key points- Daily good morning texts fulfil an expectation, which builds reliability
- No one texts good morning to someone they dismiss or do not accept, he says
- Safety comes from the predictability of the interaction, not from big gestures
Weekly short video exchanges deepen friendship
Short · instagram.com · Issue #175
A weekly one-to-two-minute video exchange with friends keeps connection deeper than text messages.
The speaker describes the Wednesday Waffle, a one-to-two-minute video that they and three friends send each other every Wednesday, updating one another on the past week and what is coming up. The speaker says they have done it for a couple of years and values it as a deeper way to stay connected than texting. They encourage others to start one with their own friends.
Key points- The speaker and three friends send each other a Wednesday video every week
- They have kept it up for a couple of years, and he looks forward to each one
- The speaker suggests recording one for your own friends and seeing what comes back
Close friends celebrate your good news
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #182
Your closest friends are the ones you call with good news, because they feel joy without jealousy.
The speaker suggests that a closer level of friendship than the person you call in trouble is the person you call with good news. Such a friend feels unbridled joy for you without jealousy, while other people may assume you are bragging. He notes that he calls fewer people with good news than with bad news.
Key points- Good-news friends celebrate with you and do not assume bragging
- The speaker calls fewer people with good news than with bad
- Close friendship has a level beyond calling someone in need
Friends you call when things go well
Short · instagram.com · 1 min · Issue #237
Simon Sinek says the friends you call when things go well form an even smaller group than those you call when things go wrong.
Simon Sinek says a small group of friends is there when you struggle, and an even smaller group is the one you call when things go unbelievably well. He describes calling a friend first when that friend sold his company, feeling pure joy without envy. He argues that good is more difficult than bad, and that friends who celebrate you without judging are rare.
Key points- You want friends who are proud of you and celebrate without envy
- The person you call to brag is often the friend who shares your joy
- Good is harder than bad, so good moments need the right people
Real friends stay when you have nothing
Short · tiktok.com · Issue #190
Real friends are the ones who stay when you have nothing to offer, such as after a failed business or breakup.
The speaker argues that most friends stay only while things are fun, convenient or valuable. Real friends are the ones who show up when you have nothing to offer in return, such as after a failed business, a breakup or financial hardship. He encourages finding these people, cherishing them and being that kind of friend to someone else.
Key points- Most friends are around only when things are fun, convenient or valuable
- Darkest hour friends show up when the business failed or the relationship ended
- Find them, cherish them, and be that friend for someone else